Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way vs Canon
by Cookie VanDeKamp
Summary: First entry in the MSEA Files. There's a new student at Hogwarts by the name of Ebony Way, and she seems pretty screwed up in the head. Rated T for language and canon rape. And eye rape, probably.
1. Prologue

**A/N: This ties into the infamous fanfiction **_**My Immortal**_**, and if you haven't heard of it, you're probably living under a rock. Or you just don't browse the internet that much, in which case, you might as well be living under a rock. Anyway, **_**My Immortal**_** is good contender for the worst fanfic ever written. The original has been taken down, but duplicates are out there, so read one before you read this.**

**Thanks, or, as Tara would say, fangz, for putting up with me!**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**

"There's a new student coming today," said Ron.

Hermione closed her book. "But how is that possible? Term's already started."

He shrugged. "Not sure, but apparently she was able to make them bend the rules."

"Probably a first year who missed the train," said Harry.

Ron shook his head. "Nope, she's a seventh year, like us."

She frowned. "How is that even…?"

"Yeah, I asked the same thing."

"Oh, wait, is that her?" Harry asked, glancing down the hall.

A tall girl with long charcoal black hair down to her waist stood there. Her dark locks were streaked with purple and tipped with the purest red. Her eyes were pale blue and carried some sort of hidden depths. She was obviously into the Goth subculture, as Hermione had seen the entirety of her outfit at Hot Topic. She was wearing a black corset with orange ribbons. Her purple miniskirt revealed way more than an average Hogwarts uniform would allow. Her long violet cape reached the ground, and had the Slytherin crest sewn onto it. Her heeled boots made her look taller than the 5'6'' she really was.

"Must be," said Ron. "Never seen her before."

"Hello there," said Hermione, sticking out her hand. "I'm Hermione Granger."

The girl blinked and said, "Duh, I no who u r, Mary. But your name isn't Granger, remembr? It's B'loody Mary Smith."

Hermione tilted her head in confusion. "What?"

"Why are you wearing the GRIFFIEDORE crest? R u a prep now, Mary?"

"…who are you again? Have we met?"

"Duh, im Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Ur roommate."

"Is she deluded or what?" Ron hissed to Harry. Harry shrugged.

"Oh my Satan, you're stupid."

Ebony turned and walked away.

Hermione walked back over to the boys. "This one's gonna be trouble."


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N: Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh… the whole Voldemort and Death Eaters thing isn't gonna crop up much in this story, so if you don't want violation of canon— well, first of all, why are you looking at fanfic, second of all, as Tara would say, "get da hell outta her!" It's a fanfiction. A **_**parody **_**fanfiction. Just relax. Try not to think about it too hard.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**

Ebony was at breakfast the next morning, eating a box of Cap'n Crunch with milk instead of blood.

"I've never seen that kind of food before," Neville whispered. "Where'd she get it?"

"I'm not sure," said Harry. "Cap'n Crunch is a Muggle cereal."

"Perhaps Ebony is Muggle-born," Hermione suggested. "That would explain the clothes— I've seen the things she wears at Hot Topic, this Muggle store."

"Double potions with the Slytherins after lunch," he said. "We can ask her then."

OoOoO

Draco Malfoy was walking to Herbology when he felt someone attack him from behind. Or at least, he was pretty sure it was an attack. Acting on instinct, he turned around, whipped out his wand, and shouted, "STUPEFY!" and his attacker fell to the ground.

He saw that it was a big-breasted girl about his age. He'd never seen her before. Her perfect lips were as red as blood, and her teeth were as white as snow. She was wearing a pair of neon green skinny jeans with rips in the knees. Her tank top was black with a black and white picture of Gerard Way on it. Her shoes were a pair of peep-toe purple stilettos. The girl had painted her nails black. Her long black hair fell around her shoulders. Draco noticed that she was wearing a Slytherin tie— this must be that new girl that no one would shut up about.

The girl's eyes fluttered open— they were the deepest shade of crimson Draco had ever seen.

"Gawd, Drago, wut the fuck is wrong wit you?" she yelled.

"How'd you know my name?" he asked.

"Weave been goin out 4 five monthz!" she exclaimed. "Im ur girlfriend, u idio!"

"Yeah, I don't have a girlfriend," Draco said, deciding that she was crazy. He frowned. "Ebony Way, isn't it?"

"DUH! Oh my Satan, every one's been actin all weerd! B'loody Mary thinz that her nam is Hermynee—"

"Granger? You mean the Mudblood?"

"Shez nawt a Mudblod, remember? She's a vampyre like me!"

"But your teeth are straight," he pointed out. He sighed. "Look, I'm just gonna leave, this conversation is going nowhere."

OoOoO

But Enoby refused to leave Draco alone. Much to his dismay, he was right— she _was _the new Slytherin, making her hard to avoid. During lunch, Harry and Ron snickered as she pushed Draco up against a wall and began forcefully making out with him, despite his obvious objections.

"Looks like Malfoy's met Ebony," said Ron.

"According to Padma," said Harry, "she thinks that they've been dating for five months. He swears otherwise, but Ebony doesn't want to hear it."

"Is she really a vampire?"

"Not sure. She says she is, but her teeth look normal. Sanguini had fangs, didn't he?"

Ron nodded, as Draco decided to just run for it. Evony chased him.

OoOoO

"Psst, Ebony," Hermione whispered as Slughorn lectured the class.

"What?"

"I was wondering, are you Muggle-born like me? Your clothes are at Muggle stores and I see you like MCR, that Muggle band."

"Wat, no, I'm not a Muggl. I'm a vampire, Marie!1"

"Stop calling me 'Mary'," she muttered.

A few rows ahead, Pavarti Patil and Lavender Brown were giggling, looking at an issue of _Teen Enchantress Monthly_, mooning over some singer in some Wrock band or other. This enraged Ebony. Apparently, you're not supposed to like any music that she doesn't.

"_FUCKIN PREPS_!" she screamed, storming out of the room.

Lavender glanced after her.

"What was THAT about?" she asked, breaking the stunned silence.

_Great,_ thought Draco, _not only is the new girl convinced we're dating, but she's also crazy._


	3. Chapter 2

"Would you care to explain to me why Ebony keeps on calling me 'Vampire'?"

Luna and Ginny looked up from where they were talking, and saw that their friend Harry was flopping down onto the grass next to them.

"Ebony?" Luna looked quizzical.

"New student," Ginny clarified. "Slytherin, seventh year. If what Ron says is anything to go by, she's crazy."

"People say that I'm crazy, too," Luna said thoughtfully. "Maybe she's nice. You never know."

"No, no," said Harry, "Ebony's not 'weird and abnormal, but in a cool way' crazy. Ebony is 'go get the straightjacket and cattle prod right now' crazy."

"What'd she do?" Ginny asked.

"Well, she talks in spelling mistakes," Harry replied, counting on his fingers, "doesn't wear the uniform, calls Hermione 'B'loody Mary', thinks that Malfoy is her boyfriend despite him swearing that he has never met her before, never shuts up about these Muggle bands called Good Charlotte and MCR, and now she's calling me Vampire and wondering why my scar isn't shaped like a star or something anymore."

"Anymore?" 

"She thinks that Ron changed it for me. Believe me, if Ron could do anything about my scar, I would've had him do it a long time ago." He paused. "Also, she thinks that I'm a Slytherin and a Satanist."

"How odd," said Luna. "Perhaps she's mentally ill."

"Perhaps? I thought we just established that she is."

Before Luna could reply, Evory walked up to them. She was wearing a pleated lime green skirt with black skulls and crossbones all over it. Her fuchsia blouse matched the color of her nail polish that day, which was decorated by stick-on diamonds. Her cross earrings were made of real silver, as was her occult star necklace. Her tights were black, as were her combat boots. Ebony's normally dark hair was dyed bright red.

"Is this Ebony?" Luna whispered.

"Yep," Harry nodded.

"Ug, Vampire, wht're u doin hanging owt with deese preps?" Ebony asked.

"My name is _not_ Vampire," Harry said, "and these are my friends, Luna Lovegood and Ginny Weasley."

Trying to be polite, Ginny said, "I'm Ron's sister."

"Diablo doesn't haff a sistr."

"…Diablo?"

"Ur Brittany, u fuckin prep. God, u ma I sic."

"Ginny's name isn't Brittany," said Luna, "it's Ginevra."

"Who da fuk r u?"

"Luna."

"Whatevr. C'mon, Vampir."

Ebony grabbed Harry's hand and pulled him up to his feet. Then, much to his horror, she kissed him, despite his obvious objections.

"Lemme go—oof!" Harry grunted, trying to push her off. He was cut off by their lips meeting once again.

Ginny got up and pulled them apart. Before she could give Enoby a piece of her mind, Ebony slapped Harry right across the face.

"What the bloody hell was that for?" Harry exclaimed.

"U KNOW THAT I LUBV DRAGO!" she screamed. "HOW DAR U KIZ MEE!1"

She ran away, sobbing tears of blood.

Ginny, Harry, and Luna watched, jaws dropped.

Luna was the first to speak.

"Where might we purchase a straightjacket and cattle prod?"


	4. Chapter 3

"Draco! Darco, darlig!" Ebony screamed, rushing through the corridors, searching for her beloved boyfriend.

Draco could hear her perfectly well, but he had enlisted the help of Peeves.

"Your blokey went that-a-way, Ebony," he said, grinning devilishly.

"Eek!"

The poltergeist was hiding inside a suit of armor, so his voice had startled the vampire. He was pointing towards the Slytherin common room.

"Fangz," she said, heading towards the dungeon steps. Then she grinned. "Geddit, cuz im goffick!"

"…goffick?" Peeves repeated, at a loss for words for what may have been the first time in his life.

Draco popped out of a broom closet. His back ached and he smelled a bit like mothballs, but, hey, that was a small price to pay to get away from Enoby.

"Thanks," he said to Peeves, handing him a few firecrackers to throw into people's foods at dinner. Except for Crabbe, Goyle, and Draco's, that is.

Peeves began to zip away, but Draco stopped him. "Wait. Ebony will probably sit next to me or across from me." He smirked and handed Peeves an extra firework. "Put an extra in hers."

OoOoO

Harry climbed through the portrait hole, followed by Ginny. Harry was still disturbed by the events of the afternoon, and his facial expression showed it. As he sunk down into a chair, Ron said, "What's wrong?"

"…Ebony kissed me," Harry said blankly. "Why did she kiss me? I can't even stand her!"

"She seriously _kissed_ you?" Ron said in disbelief. "Cho, Ginny, now Ebony… do psycho girls just have a thing for you?"

"Hey!" Ginny exclaimed indignantly.

Pavarti looked up from her Divination essay (_The Sight is a very rare gift. Explain why_) and put down her quill. "Wasn't she the girl who went batshit insane in Potions yesterday?"

Ginny nodded. "That would be her. Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."

"What kind of a jerk would hate their kid enough to make one of her middle names _Dementia_?" asked Dean. "I mean, doesn't it mean 'crazy' or something?"

"Close," said Hermione, who was surrounded by Arithmancy books and charts. "Dementia is a mental disease that affects the mind and memory."

"Even if it didn't," Ginny commented, "I wouldn't like having that many names, anyway."

OoOoO

Ebony took out her cell phone (not without a "How does that work _here_?" from Hermione) just before dinner.

"Willow," she said, "hogwarz is fallin to shee! No won cn remsdfer me! Drago thinz that he hats me! And B'luddy Marie thinks that she's Muggl-borne."

"Bitch, that suckz," her friend said on the other end. "If eet getz ny werse, I'll cum dewn der 2 help u." 

"K."

Draco picked the wrong time to have Ebony's dinner explode in her face.

Willow Black was at Hogwarts by the end of the week.

**A/N: I wrote this while listening to **_**Paparazzi **_**by Lady Gaga. Awesome? I think so.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	5. Chapter 4

Hermione choked on her toast. "There's _another_ one?"

"Willow Black," said Harry with a sigh. "No relation to Sirius."

"Urrrghhh!" she groaned, putting her head on her arms. "I feel sick."

"Can I finish your breakfast, then?" Ron asked hopefully.

Hermione glared at him, but said, "Yeah, fine, whatever."

Ron smiled and began to scarf down the remains of her ham and cheese omelet.

Ginny looked across the Great Hall to the Slytherin table. Indeed, there was a new girl sitting there, talking to Ebony.

Ebony was wearing a floor-length black gown with a purple corset. Her hair was its usual shade of deep black again, only she had curled it, so it fell down around her shoulder. Her pale skin contrasted with her blood-red lipstick. Her stilettos were as violet as the corset, and her necklace was made of emeralds. Her bag had a snake (the symbol of Slytherin) on it.

The other girl, Willow, also had dark hair, only hers was streaked with purple. Her Born Against t-shirt was bright green. The ripped-up jeans she was wearing were a dark shade of gray, and her many belts were all different shades of orange, varying from the color of Ginny's freckles to that of the sunset. Her shoes were a pair of electric blue Chucks with skull shoelaces.

"Gurl, u lok kawiaa," Willow said to Ebony.

"Fangz," Ebony replied, "so dw u."

Since today was a Saturday, no one was in their uniforms, so Padma Patil entered wearing a black t-shirt and a pair of ripped jeans. This, of course, pissed Enoby and Willow right the hell off, as they both stood up and stormed over to the Ravenclaw.

"U hink u can b a goff?" Ebony screamed. "well, u CANT!11!"

"…what?" Padma said, looking up from her porridge.

"U r such a pozer!" Willow added. "u look nothi lik a _reel_ goff!"

"I'm not trying to be gothic!" Padma announced to the rest of the Hall, who was looking.

"Ur wearin blck an riped jeanz!" Ebony exclaimed. "Gawd, u mak me sik!"

"Black's the only color that doesn't hate me!" Padma shouted. "And the jeans were the only thing that was clean!"

Willow slapped Padma right across the face. Hermione, ever the peacemaker, got up and pulled her back. "C'mon, guys, leave Padma alone."

"Wut is rong wit u, Mary?" Enoby shouted. "R u a prep nw?"

"Seeing as how I'm not even sure what a prep is…"

"Fuk u!"

Willow and Ebony left.

"Satan, I ned a drin," Willow moaned, rubbing her forehead.

"Letz go find Drac," Ebony said. "Hell chere uz up."

_Don't bet on it_, Draco thought from where he was hiding from behind a curtain.

OoOoO

"Oh, my poor Dracokins," Pansy cooed, after Draco told her about his morning spent hiding from Ebony.

"Don't call me Dracokins," he muttered, "but thanks for the sympathy."

"Would a kiss make you feel better?" she asked, pouting her lips.

Before Draco could reply, Ebony entered the Common Room.

"Oh, _shit_," he groaned, hiding behind the couch.

"Drgo!" Ebony said cheerfully, pulling him out from behind the couch. "Cmon letz French passively!"

"Um… okay. Vous êtes un psychopathe. Je ne suis pas ton copain. Laissez-moi. S'il vous plaît."

Draco's passive Frenching was interrupted by a kiss.

"Get off of him!" Pansy shrieked, pulling the vampire off of her sort-of-boyfriend. "That's my boyfriend!" Normally, Pansy's affections annoyed Draco, but he was willing to let it slide, just this once.

Evony slapped Pansy, who responded by scratching one of Ebony's arms.

It only got worse from there.

"Ohmygod," Blaise exclaimed excitedly.

"CATFIGHT!" Theodore Nott shouted, taking out his camera.


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N: No, I haven't abandoned this story. No, I'm not dead. I'm not even lazy! I've just been in the midst of moving, and while we wait for our new house to be officially ours, my dad and I are staying at my BFF's house. The main problem with this is that my BFF's parents have waaaayyyy stricter computer rules than my dad does. I only get an hour a day of computer time, and I can't do anything that I wouldn't want a little kid to see, so writing this is of course off-limits. But they never said that I can't update at **_**school**_**…**

**So, I'll conclude this rambling author's note here, and give you the new chapter.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**

Theodore's pictures of the fight spread all over the castle quickly. They could be found _everywhere_. You name it, there was a picture there. Dean Thomas found a picture of Pansy body-slamming Ebony taped to a tree. Ernie Macmillan found one of Ebony slapping her back in the boy's restroom. Padma Patil found one of Astoria Greengrass attempting to break up the fight, only to be kicked in the face.

"What _is_ it with boys and catfights?" Hermione asked when she found one of Ebony pinning Pansy to the wall.

Ron shrugged. "We like them."

"_Why_?"

Before Ron could answer, Luna tapped him on the shoulder. The three of them were in the library, speaking in hushed whispers so they wouldn't annoy Madame Pince.

"May I hide out here with you?" she asked airily. Because that was how Luna said everything.

"Sure," said Hermione. "What're you hiding from?"

"Ebony," she explained, sitting down. "She tripped in the hallway. I happened to be nearby, so she thought I'd done it. She chased me, so I ducked in here."

"Good idea. I'm pretty sure Enoby would burst into flames if she set foot in a library."

"QUIET BACK THERE!" Madame Pince screamed.

OoOoO

Willow and Ebony were walking to the Slytherin Dungeons when Willow found another picture. This one showed Evory and Pansy wrestling on the floor. By that point in the fight, Pansy's skirt had ripped, and Ebony's shirt was gone. All the boys in the background looked _very_ happy.

"Wht duh fuc is thi?" Willow asked, shoving the photo in Ebony's face.

"Uh, tit's fro whn E beet do sit owt ou dat prep, Pasty."

"I bet u tr he a nu n."

"H, I totel did."

"Dat's mi bitch."

Enoby smiled and straightened her dress. The gown was exactly five centimeters above her mid-thigh, and as black as her soul. Her belt was as white as her skin, which was as pale as snow. Her nails were painted red, which was the same color of her fishnet tights. Her shoes were high-heels, exactly 7 inches and half a centimeter high. A soft, content sight escaped Evony's crimson lips as she flipped her dark hair.

"Wana nu a sexret?" she asked Willow.

"Hellz ya!" her friend replied.

"Im gunna fux Drag tonite!"

"Sweat!"

"Mak suire no on disturbs us."

"Nu probm."

"Fangz. Wanna go nnoy a cuuple prez?"

"Sr."

OoOoO

Around eleven that night, Draco Malfoy found himself in an odd situation.

He was:

Running like hell.

Missing his pants.

Barely avoiding being raped by Ebony, and

Trying to wipe the bloodstains off his tie. (Ebony was, as it turns out, kinda kinky.)

He ducked into a closet as his not-girlfriend perused him.

"Drako!" she shouted holding up a knife. "Don't yo wnt mi 2 du th hing wit ma tung gain?"

_What thing with her tongue?_ Draco thought. He decided that she must've done it when she'd had him knocked out. _Stupid pills…_

"Cum n! U no u luv mee!"

_No. No I don't_.

Ebony had begun to cry tears of crimson most pure. She sighed and leaned against a wall.

Draco muttered a camouflage spell under his breath, and turned invisible. Slowly, he pushed the closet door open. Moving as quietly as he could, Draco slipped past Ebony, who was now curled up in a ball sobbing. Deciding that it wouldn't be safe for him to go back to the Common Room, he opted to spend the night in the Room of Requirement.

Pacing back and forth in the usual place, Draco thought, _Someplace to sleep. Someplace where Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way can't find me. Someplace where I can sleep peacefully until morning._

Slowly, the wall began to open, eventually leaving a hole big enough for Draco to crawl through. Inside was a bedroom almost exactly like the one he had at home.

_What a night_, he thought as he drifted into an uneasy sleep.


	7. Chapter 6

"Guys! Guys!"

Ron and Harry looked up from their Potions essays to see Hermione bounding down the stairs from her dormitory.

"I found some information that might help us with Ebony and Willow!" she said breathlessly, holding up a large, red, leather-bound book. In faded silver lettering, the cover read, _Vampires, Brownies, and Other Beings of Our World_. "I was leafing through this to see if it covered succubi—it does, by the way—and I stumbled across THIS." She pointed to a paragraph about halfway down the page.

_**Mary Sue: **__Strange beings, these are. Created by beings of a universe outside our own, Mary Sues can be born at any given time, in any given universe. They can easily blend in with humans (or at least try to), but red flags include lack of flaws, being too beautiful to be human, overly long and fancy names, one or several unusual talents, ultra-high intelligence (or extreme lack of intelligence, in some cases), and wearing "trendy" clothing. Some particularly powerful Sues can bend the universe to their will, to fit their version of reality. Mary Sues are created by people in another universe, usually teenage girls, but not always. Perhaps the worst thing about Sues is that every time a Mary Sue dies, a new one is born in its place. Sues tend to be female, but male Sues (called Gary Stus or Marty Sams) do exist. Since Sues are basically flawless and unbeatable, the worst way to handle one is to just avoid contact with them whenever you possibly can, but stealing their mascara has also been found effective. The way to truly kill a Sue is for its creator to come to their senses and erase it. _

"Ebony isn't human?" said Ron. "That… actually makes sense."

"She's not a vampire like she says she is, either," said Hermione. "She's a Mary Sue!"

"So what do we do?" Harry asked. "Just avoid her?"

"Unless we want to track down her creator, yes," Hermione shrugged.

"…tracking down her creator _is_ an option, you know."

Hermione scoffed. "We'd have to travel to another universe. We can't do that."

There was a pause before Hermione frowned.

"Can we?"

OoOoO

Hermione was sitting next to Enoby in Charms the next day when Professor Flitwick told the class to write two paragraphs on Tracia Timon (creator of several charms) and her contributions to the wizarding world. Hermione was about to write "Tracia Thea Timon was born in winter 1785…" when she noticed that Ebony had topped her paper with "_Tracia T. Timon by Evony Dark'ness Dementia TARA Way_."

Even as she said, "I thought your last middle name was Raven," Hermione knew that she shouldn't ask. But she did anyway, in spite of herself.

Ebony shrugged. "Tera n Jeni hd a feight."

"Who are Tara and Jenny?"

"Jeny s Tar's bff, butt he goz be Ravn. The crated—" Ebony slapped a hand over her mouth before she could finish her sentence, then glared at Hermione. "Eye cant te u that, Maryy."

Normally, Hermione would've said, "Stop calling me 'Mary,'" but she was too lost in thought to notice.

OoOoO

"Jenny and Tara, huh?" said Ron, after Hermione told the boys what she learned.

"Those must be her creators," said Hermione.

"No wonder she's so messed up," said Harry, "with having _two_ idiot teenage girls creating her instead of just one."

"So, how would we go about visiting their universe, anyway?" Ron asked.

Hermione tapped her chin, thinking hard. "I think there's a dimension-splitting spell. If it works, we can go to a different universe. If it doesn't… well, Ebory wouldn't matter to us anymore, anyway. It takes at least six skilled witches and wizards to work…"

"Well, that's easy," said Harry. "There's the three of us, Ginny, Luna, and… huh. Who else do we know who could do a spell like that?"

Hermione winced. "I can think of one, but you're not going to like it."

"Who?" Ron said eagerly.

"Are you sure you want to know?"

Suddenly, a scream rang out across the Great Hall, and the Trio turned around to see that Ebony and Willow were suspending a first-year in mid-air.

"_We want to know_," the boys said in unison.

Hermione sighed. "Malfoy."


	8. Chapter 7

Harry and Ron didn't want to do it. Neither did the girls. No one did. But it was their only choice if they were to rid themselves of Ebony.

Ginny, Ron, Harry, Hermione, and Luna were all lurking in the hallway during break. Crabbe, Goyle, and Malfoy were on the other end, harassing a couple of Hufflepuff first years.

"Okay, Luna," Harry said, "go try and convince him."

"Oh, but do it away from his goons," Ron added, "or they'll eat you."

"Why do _I_ have to do it?" Luna asked, slightly annoyed.

"Because you get along with everyone," Harry replied. "Besides, he hates Hermione, Ron, and Ginny on principle, and there's simply no way I can coexist peacefully with him in the same room, much less have a civil conversation. You're our only option."

She sighed. "I'll do what I can."

The Ravenclaw walked up to the group as the others dashed around a corner and watched semi-discreetly.

"Hello, Gregory, Vincent," she said, "mind if I borrow Draco for a moment?"

Crabbe and Goyle were so surprised at being called by anything but their surnames that they didn't reply. Not that it would've mattered if they had—Luna didn't wait for a response. Instead, she grabbed Draco's wrist and pulled him away.

"What?" he asked.

"We need your help," Luna began.

"Who's 'we?'"

"Me, Ginevra, Ronald, Harry, and Hermione."

Draco snorted. "Forget it." He began to leave, but Luna stopped him.

"Wait, no, it benefits you!"

"How so?"

"We want to get rid of Evony and Willow, but we need at least six witches and wizards to do it."

"…keep talking."

"Well, Hermione found out that Ebony is a Mary Sue, and in order to get rid of Sues, you need to visit another universe, find their creator, and get the creator to erase them. So we're going to use a dimension-splitting spell, and we need one more powerful witch or wizard."

He paused and said, "I can't believe I'm saying this, but… I'll help. "

"Yay!" Luna shrieked before walking away to tell her friends the good news.

Draco leaned against a wall. "Working with Potter, Lovegood, blood traitors and a Mudblood… I've hit a new low…"

OoOoO

The six were in the Room of Requirement, which was designed so no one could find them and was stacked from wall to wall with helpful equipment and books full of information needed to split a dimension.

Ginny, who was looking through _Spells That Will Form the Future_, said, "I have a question."

Hermione looked up from her own book. "Yeah?"

"Do you suppose these Tara and Jenny people are really that stupid, or are they just some bored teens who decided to fuck with us?"

She shrugged. "It could be either one. We'd have to meet them to know for sure."

"Ah-ha!" said Draco. "Found something helpful!"

"What is it?" said Harry. He, Ron, Ginny, and Draco had all agreed to make nice until this was over.

"According to this paragraph, splitting a dimension will work best if we do it on the fourth Saturday of the month."

"That's in two weeks," said Luna. "That should give us enough time to get the appropriate materials."

"Like what?"

"Well," said Hermione, checking her list, "so far, we've decided to get three mermaid tears—not sure how we're going to get those—, unicorn horn dust—that's in Slughorn's private stores— and some holy water to mix with the tears, which should be easy enough, there's a church in Hogsmede."

"I can get the scales," Harry volunteered, "but I'll need help."

Ron raised a hand. "I'll go."

OoOoO

Three days later, Luna, Hermione, Draco, and Ginny were all waiting anxiously for Harry and Ron to return. Well, the girls were anxious. Draco really only cared about ridding himself of his stalker.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, they came in, soaking wet, breathing hard, looking exhausted and frustrated, but Ron was holding up a vial. In the vial was a few teaspoons of liquid, which was a sparkling, misty silver color.

"We got them," he said, collapsing onto a couch. "We almost died and almost got caught by Filch when we were going into the lake, but we got them."

Harry said, "What he would've done if he saw us in the lake is nothing compared to what he'll do when he sees the mess we left behind in the hallway."

"What's that scratch on your arm?" Luna asked worriedly.

He winced. "Let's just say that trying to make a mermaid cry is not easy, and involves tears from _both_ parties."

"I got the holy water while you were taking so long," Draco said, holding up a small jar. "I scooped it out of the little bowl by the door when the vicar had his back turned."

"It'll work best if we mix it in a silver chalice," said Hermione, "and if we let the moonlight hit it while we say the spell."

Ginny sighed and brushed a lock of her red hair from her face. "Until then, let's just avoid Willow and Enoby at all costs."

OoOoO

This, however, was easier said than done. Ron was headed to Charms when he bumped into Willow. He began to step around her when Willow threw her arms around him. "Diabko!" she said cheerfully. "Grate 2 c yh!"

"Diablo?" he muttered.

"Cvon, lez du eet," she grinned, showing off her pearly white teeth, which contrasted with the pure black of her heeled boots. They went up to her knees, and there was a bit of bare skin before the hem of her purple and orange plaid miniskirt. Her tank top was pale green and had a lyric from an MCR song on it—_Sing it every time that you open your mouth._

"…excuse me?"

Before he could say anything more, Willow had pressed him against the wall and was kissing him.

Ron was very relieved when he received a note from Hermione just over a week later:

_It's time._

OoOoO

Ginny mixed the powder, holy water, and tears in the chalice and set it under the open window. Everyone sprinkled it over themselves and took out their wands?

"Ready?" Luna asked.

"Ready," everyone said in unison.

They raised their wands to the sky and shouted, "Ratispo!"

**A/N: There's a poll for this story on my profile. Vote!**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	9. Chapter 8

It started as a warm breeze that blew some loose hairs out of Ginny's braid. Ten seconds later, it got warmer, and was a wind that made Draco's cloak stream out behind him. In under a minute, Luna had to brace her legs to stop herself from blowing away as a hot wind came over them all.

A small tornado swept them all up.

"Hermione!" Harry shouted over the wind. He could see her silhouette through the dust.

"What?" she yelled back.

"Is this supposed to happen?" 

"I think s—"

She was cut off by the wind. Ron clutched her arm ("To keep her from worrying," he said later, but everyone figured it was to keep himself safe.) and said, "Hold on tight!"

OoOoO

"AAAAAAGGGGH!"

The tornado dumped the group into a field somewhere in another universe much like their own, only it was… different somehow.

"Did we get the right universe?" Draco moaned, as he rubbed the bump on the back of his head. "Because this looks a lot like ours."

"Hmmm…" said Hermione. "Let's take a look around."

After magicking themselves into clothes that would help them blend in, the group walked around. They appeared to be in a large city, due to the amount of people and traffic. Hermione looked in the distance, and saw a statue of a woman holding up a torch. The Statue of Liberty.

"Guys!" she said. "We're in New York City!"

"October 9, 2011, to be exact," added Ron, looking at the Jumbotron. "We somehow moved forward in time."

"Do you think Ebony's creator lives here?" Luna asked.

"I suppose it's possible," Harry said with a shrug, passing a bookstore. He glanced in the window, and then paled.

"What's wrong with you?" Ron asked.

"Look under the 'Classics' sign," Harry said blankly.

On the shelf under that sign, there were the usuals—_Jane Eyre_, _the Wizard of Oz_, _Alice's Adventures In Wonderland_, and… _Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone_.

Ginny's jaw dropped, then she hurried into the store, grabbed the book off the shelf, pickpocketed some money from a guy who wasn't paying attention, bought the book, and went back out to the others.

"Let's read this thing," she said.

OoOoO

"Here's a good, inconspicuous place," said Hermione, as they approached Central Park. They sat down in the grass, and, pulling her jacket tighter around her, she began to read, "_Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number 4 Privet Drive were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much…_"

OoOoO

"_I'm going to have a lot of fun with Dudley this summer…_ The end," Luna finished. Hermione's throat had begun to get sore after a few chapters, so they'd all taken turns reading.

"I don't believe this," said Harry. "All this time… we've just been characters in a book?"

"But… it all seemed so…" Ginny said, obviously shocked.

"Real?"

"Yeah."

"Well," said Hermione, "in our universe, it _is_ real. It's only in this one that it isn't."

"I was wondering," Ron said, "why they changed the Philosopher's Stone to the Sorcerer's Stone. Otherwise it was word-for-word."

"I feel sick," Luna said, dropping her head in her hands, despite the fact that she wasn't the books just yet. "Say, where do I show up?"

"Well, we met you in Harry's fifth year," Hermione reasoned, "and these books seem to follow him, so I'd say…"—she checked the list in the back of the book—"…that you'd show up in _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_."

"But I don't see how Ebony would fit into the story," said Ginny with a shrug. "She's not from our universe—she doesn't belong there!"

Hermione smiled. "Well, this universe does have one thing we haven't got."

"What's that?"

"The internet."

OoOoO

At the nearest library, they all crowded around one computer (The librarian began to say, "One person per computer!", but Draco confunded her.) as Hermione searched for "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way."

"Fan… fiction?" Luna said, confused.

"I guess it makes sense," said Harry, "since we're not real in this universe." 

"Well, click on it, whatever it is," said Ron. "I wanna know the origins of Ebony."

"This is too long to read here without drawing attention to six kids around one computer," said Ginny, glancing at how many chapters the story was.

Hermione pulled out her bag of wizard money, and muttered, "Circumare." The Galleons changed to dollar bills. "I hope this is enough," she said worriedly.

The others donated money to the cause, and soon, they were back to Central Park with a stack of papers, ready to learn the horrible truth about fanfiction, Evony Way, and Tara Gilesbe.


	10. Chapter 9

**A/N: Just a warning: this chapter quotes a lot of **_**My Immortal**_**, so prepare yourself for worse eye rape than usual. **

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**

"Who wants to read first?" asked Hermione, holding up the copy of _My Immortal_ she'd printed out.

"I'll go," said Ron, taking it from her. He looked it over. "…I don't know if I can read this. The letters are all jumbled and some things just make no sense."

"Just try your best, Ronald," said Luna.

"Well, here goes." He cleared his throat and began to read. "_AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX!_"

"…that's how it was when it was EDITED?" Harry said incredulously.

"I weep for the future of humanity in this universe," said Ginny. "WEEP."

Ron grimaced and continued reading the... you know what; I can't even call it a story.

"_Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)_"

"I don't know who Amy Lee is," Draco said hopefully. "Can we stop reading?"

"As much as I'd love to… no," Hermione sighed. "We have to know all we can about Ebory."

Luna decided to help Ron out, and said, "I'll take over for a bit if you like."

"Please," he said, handing the papers over to her.

She picked up where Ron left off.

"_I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them._"

"How _pleasant _," Hermione deadpanned.

"I can't take any more of this," Luna said. "Reading it leaves a bad taste in my mouth."

"I'll read some," said Ginny. She took the fic from Luna and read,_ "'Hey Ebony!' shouted a voice. I looked up. It was... Draco Malfoy!_" Draco choked on his own spit upon hearing that.

"'_What's up Draco?' I asked. 'Nothing.' he said shyly. But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz_!" She put the papers down. "Aaaand that's chapter one."

"Let's throw it out," Draco said immediately.

"No," said Ron, "throwing it out won't be enough. We'll have to burn it. We'll have to burn it in a holy bonfire!"

"Agreed," said Harry. "Anyone got a match?"

OoOoO

"_Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I slit both of my wrists. They got all over my clothes so I took them off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Linkin Park song at full volume. I grabbed a steak and almost stuck it into my heart to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a black low-cut dress with lace all over it sandly. I put on black high heels with pink metal stuff on the ends and six pairs of skull earrings. I couldn't fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed... Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks_," Draco read, the group having reached chapter eleven.

There was a pause as everyone tried to absorb the sheer insanity.

"…burning it is still an option, you know," said Ron hopefully.

"NO," said Hermione, "it isn't. Not until we've finished reading this, anyway. Then, I agree. We burn it."

OoOoO

"'_ABRA KEDABRA!11111' I shooted_," Harry read. He put the papers down. "And that's the end."

"I wonder what made the author just stop like that," said Ginny. "I thought it would _never_ end."

"Thank God it did," said Draco, who was now lying face down in the grass. "I was going insane just reading that."

"Okay, now that we know all we can about Ebony, we have to think," said Hermione. "Where would her creator be?"

"Well, from what I can tell, Ebovy is basically Tara," said Ron, "so where would Ebony be?"

"Are there any emo or goth bands playing right about now?" Ginny asked.

Hermione shrugged. "Let me check." She bought a newspaper from a dispenser and checked the current events section. "Nope, the only concerts playing around here today are classical, jazz, and pop—all things that Tara would hate."

"Do we even know she's in this city?" Luna asked worriedly. "She could be across the country for all we know. The spell could've just put us here because New York City is a pretty famous place, and it'd be easier for us to blend it."

"You gotta love how no one seemed to bat an eye at six teenagers running around unsupervised with _wands_," said Ginny.

"Well it _is_ New York," Hermione replied, laughing a little bit. "I remember being amazed by all the weirdness when Mum and Dad took me here when I was eight, back before I knew I was a witch."

"Hang on," said Draco, "I have an idea." He raised his wand and said, "Accio map of wherever the author of _My Immortal_ is, at this very moment."

Since the spell was so specific, they waited for about fifteen minutes before a map came flying towards them and landed in Draco's lap. He read, "Clearwater, Florida."

"Hermione," said Ron, glancing at her, "you know how to Apparate."

"Well, yes, and—" She paused. "Oh!" She took Ron and Harry's hands and told everyone else to do the same. Closing her eyes, she thought of Clearwater.

OoOoO

"AUUGH!"

"Hermione-! Hermione, get over here! Ginny's been splinched!"

They had landed in downtown Clearwater, and Ginny and Apparating hadn't mixed very well. Harry was kneeling by her side, looking at her with concern as blood poured out of her ankle. Hermione rustled through her bag, pulling out a vial of Dittany. She tossed it to her friend, saying, "Pour this where the skin used to be!"

Harry did as he was told and tried to calm Ginny down as her skin began to regrow.

They then realized how much attention they'd been drawing to themselves, when someone walked by and muttered, "Teenagers these days."

Luna sighed. "Oh. That's nice."

Realizing that Florida was much too warm for their coats and scarves (which were needed in New York), Hermione quickly magicked them all into lighter clothing.

"Where should we start searching?"


	11. Chapter 10

They walked around Clearwater for quite some time, sticking their heads in a shop every now and then, looking for Tara, which was turning out to be harder than they thought it would be.

"What do you suppose Tara even looks like?" asked Harry.

"No idea," said Hermione with a shrug.

"We have _got_ to narrow it down," said Ginny. "There are too many people in this city to make blind guesses."

"She's right," Draco agreed, glancing at the people who were walking down the same street as them. There were at least two hundred, and the city probably held plenty more.

"I'm betting she's in middle school," Ron offered, "and she'll be dressed in things from Hot Topic." He turned to his kind-of-sort-of-girlfriend. "Hermione, do you think you could recognize Hot Topic clothes of you saw them?"

"Maybe," she replied. "I've only been there a couple times, when my family took vacations in America."

"Let's look in that music store," said Luna, pointing at a building across the street.

The others nodded in agreement. It was a start, at least. The six teens rushed across the street (almost getting run over in the process) and walked up to the store. Ron pulled open the door and held it open for the girls and Harry. Draco was about to go in, but Ron let the door slam in his face. Grumbling, the Slytherin yanked it open himself.

A bell rung as they entered the shop. There were a few other customers flipping through the CDs and records, but none of them looked like they could be Tara. The only person in the shop under 30 was working there, cleaning the counter. She noticed the group and said, "Whaddya want?" as she (loudly) chewed her gum.

"Um… sorry, we're in the wrong shop," said Ginny, beginning to open the door again. "Sorry, we're not from around here."

As they left, the woman muttered, "Always tourists, never girl scouts."

OoOoO

They continued to wander around the downtown of Clearwater aimlessly, trying to find Tara. After a couple hours, they sat down on some benches to rest their feet.

"This is gonna take _forever_," said Ginny. "We have no clue where she is!"

"Wait," said Hermione, suddenly thinking of something. She pulled out her wand and muttered, "Accio phonebook."

A phonebook landed in her lap, and she opened it, saying, "Okay, what was her last name again?"

"Gilesbe," said Harry. "But she was never consistent in how she spelled it."

"Gilesbe… Gilesbe… Gilesbe…" Hermione muttered, searching through the book. "Tara Gilesbe…"

"Wait," said a voice behind them, "did I just hear you say that you're looking for Tara Gilesbe?"

They turned, and a girl of about age twelve was standing there.

"Yeah," said Luna, "we are. Do you know her?" 

The girl wrinkled her nose. "Sadly, yes. My older sister is her best friend. Why would you want to talk to Tara? She's a lunatic! She's a snob! She never shuts up! And she can't even spell."

Yep, that definitely sounded like the Tara they were looking for.

"Oh, trust me," said Harry, "we figured _that_ out awhile back."

"But we have to talk to her," Ron added. "The fate of our school sort of depends on it."

"Well, I don't know where Tara is," said the girl, "but I know where Jenny- my sister- is. I was just about to go meet her. I can take you, if you want. I bet Jenny knows."

Hermione smiled warmly at the girl. _Finally_, they were getting somewhere with this mission! "That'd be great," she said, getting up. "What's your name?"

"Juliet," she said. "What's yours?"

"Jean," she replied, shooting the others meaningful looks.

Following suit, Luna said, "I'm Lucy."

"James," Harry said.

"Bill," said Ron.

"Molly," said Ginny.

"Drake," said Draco. He figured his middle name, Lucius, was a bit outlandish.

"Well," said Juliet, "my sister's at the mall. It's just around a corner."

"Great," said Luna/"Lucy."

"Hmmm…" said Draco/"Drake."

"What is it?" Harry/"James" asked.

"This is a bit too convenient," he replied.

Ron/"Bill" poked him. "Don't complain."

"Still… I call it lazy writing."

Suddenly, a newspaper flew at him and landed on his face. The headline read, "RANDOM TOOL OF AUTHOR REVENGE."

OoOoO

"Jenny!" Juliet called as they entered the food court.

A girl dressed in all black looked up, her eyes surrounded by eyeliner. "Yeah?"

"These people need to talk to Tara."

"And you, too," said Hermione/"Jean," remembering Jenny's role in _My Immortal_.

"Well, I'm gonna go waste a couple bucks in the arcade," said Juliet.

"Thanks for your help!" Harry/"James" shouted after her.

Jenny smirked at them. "Let me guess," she said. "You're here to discuss _My Immortal_."

Luna nodded. "Yes."

"We need you to take it down," said Harry, as politely as he could. "You're not gonna believe this, but—"

"Ah, ah, ah!" Jenny said, holding up a finger. "You have to talk to Tara, too."

"Fine," Ginny sighed. "Where is she?"

"She's here. I'll take you to her. Then we can all discuss this."

"Okay."

As they walked through the mall, Draco asked, "So was _My Immortal_ a joke? You seem too smart to have helped write… _that_."

Jenny smiled. "That depends on who you ask. To me, it was a joke. But Tara… to her, it's anything but. She thinks she's the next J.K. Rowling, but, as I'm sure you've noticed, she's not even close."

"So you were just doing it to piss people off," said Ginny.

"Uh-huh."

"But she was serious?"

"Correct. Ah, here we are!" Jenny said, stopping in front of a clothing store called…

"Hot Topic?" groaned Hermione, facepalming. "_How_ did this not occur to us before?"

Jenny snickered. "Good question. It's usually the first place people check."

"Oh, shut up," Ron snapped as they entered. "Where is she?"

"Follow me."

Jenny led them to the back of the store, to a clothing rack. She pushed some clothes aside, which revealed a keyhole. The key-shaped charm on her bracelet fit perfectly. She unlocked the hidden door and pushed it open.

"After you."


	12. Chapter 11

**A/N: Sorry, but updates won't be as frequent in November. I'm doing NaNoWriMo—if you don't know what that is, Google it, because I'm too lazy to explain- and it's taking up a lot of time and energy. Also, the lyrics used in this chapter are from **_**Teenagers**_** by My Chemical Romance and **_**Crazy**_** by Simple Plan.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**

They followed Jenny through the door, unsure of what to expect. Ginny was the first one in after Jenny.

"Wow," she said as Ron followed her. "I've never seen so much Muggle technology in my life."

Even Hermione and Harry, who had grown up with Muggles, had to agree. As Harry stepped in, he found himself surrounded by computers, monitors, TVs, and CD players, all of which were blasting various songs.

"—_the livin' shit outta me_," one CD player sang. "_They could care less, as long as someone'll bleed. So darken your clothes—_"

"_Is everybody goin' crazy?_" another wailed. "_Is anybody gonna save me? Can someone tell me_—"

Harry cast his gave around the room (which the group would later call the Emo Cave), finally resting on a girl with dyed black hair (dirty blond at the roots) sitting at a computer. Her eyes remained glued on the screen, not even looking up when Jenny said, "Yo, Tara. Guests."

"Mmm," Tara said by way of a reply.

"Tara."

"Mmm?"

"Be polite and turn off the computer for once."

"Mmm," she groaned, clearly not wanting to.

"Go on, now," Jenny said in a tone that reminded Hermione of her mother.

"Mmm!"

Jenny sighed, walked over to Tara's computer, and unplugged it.

"Hey!" Tara whined, surprising everyone by showing that she could say anything other than incoherent mumbling.

"Be polite to our guests," Jenny said. "They came all this way to see us, after all." She turned to the group and pointed to a few swivel chairs. "Have a seat."

They obliged, and Luna said, "Nice place you've got here. Did you set it up yourselves?"

She nodded. "Took us the better part of two years, but we did it. Got most of the computers from the lab where my father works. Bought the CD players for five bucks a piece at a yard sale.

"And how'd you get this room?" asked Hermione, being careful not to step on one of the many, many extension cords."Was it always here?" 

"Sure was," said Tara, who was still sulking in the corner.

"My parents said I couldn't run Trolling Central from my bedroom," Jenny explained, "so imagine my delight when I stumbled across this room. It was used for storage back then, but the manager said I could buy it for 650 bucks, plus working the Saturday morning shift, which no one wants. We gathered all the money we could, and after five months, we had enough."

"Impressive for a couple teenagers," Draco said.

"We think so," she smirked. "So, you want us to take down _My Immortal_?"

"_What_?" Tara said, looking up. "Why would you want us to take down the best fanfic I've ever written?"

"Because it sucks," Ginny said flatly, but Hermione elbowed her in the gut.

"What Ginny means," she said quickly, "is that your fanfiction has caused a lot of trouble for us."

"Too fucking bad!" Tara screamed.

"How so?" asked Jenny in a much calmer tone.

"…you may have to sit down to hear this," Ron warned.

"We're already sitting," Tara pointed out.

"Then lie down."

"We don't come from around here," Harry began, unsure of how he was going to explain something he didn't fully understand himself.

"Well, yeah," said Jenny. "I mean, your English accents tipped me off. Did you come all this way just for us? How sweet."

"Um, we're from farther than England," said Ginny. "We're, um…"

"You know how _My Immortal_ is a _Harry Potter_ fanfiction?"

"Yeah."

"We're… **from** _Harry Potter_."

There was a pause.

Jenny cackled, "You gotta be shittin' me."


	13. Chapter 12

Hermione sighed. She was expecting Jenny and Tara to react like this—I mean, how would _you_ react if someone were to just tell you that they're a character out of a book? I don't think you'd nod and say, "Ah! I thought so!" You'd probably look at them like, "What the fuck?" or back away slowly. Or grab a straightjacket and a cattle prod. Or, you'd have Jenny's reaction, which was to laugh and say, "Okay, very funny, now be serious."

"I _am_ being serious!" Luna insisted. "Enoby showed up at Hogwarts, and we found out that she's part of a species called 'Mary Sues'—"

"SHE IS NOT A MARY SUE!" Tara screamed, in the style of her many, many author's notes in the fanfiction.

"—and we found this spell to send ourselves to this universe, so we could ask you to erase her."

"So which character exactly is it that you're claiming to be?" asked Jenny, sounding interested and maybe, _maybe_, slightly convinced.

"Luna Lovegood."

Jenny nodded and said, "That makes sense. You look like her description in her books, except for the clothes, but I guess Hogwarts school uniforms wouldn't blend it that well in Clearwater."

"Or New York City," Ron added, "which is where the spell dumped us at first."

"Smack in the middle of Times Square," Harry recalled, remembering the rather bad hit he'd taken to the head.

"And you," said Jenny, smirking at Harry, "you, I can guess who you are. Mr. Potter. Our… new… celebrity." She waited for them to laugh, and then remembered that if they were from the books, they wouldn't get the Alan Rickman joke. So she said, "So, let me guess. Ginevra and Ronald Weasley, I presume?" The redheads nodded.

Tara, who had latched onto Draco's arm, said, "Eeee! I'm in the presence of Draco Malfoy!"

"Which leaves Miss Hermione Jean Granger," said Jenny, nodding at her, "but just because you _look_ like the characters from _Harry Potter_ doesn't mean that you _are_ them."

"How can we prove it to you?" asked Ginny.

"Do you have your wands with you?"

"Yes."

"There's no one but us around, and Tara and I won't tell, right Tara?"

"Hmm?" she said, removing her lips from Draco's neck, much to his great relief. "Oh, yeah, sure, whatever."

"Please get her away from me…" Draco begged. Everyone ignored him.

"So?" said Harry.

"So do some magic. Conjure up a Patronus or something."

Realizing that this would be the only way to convince them that they were for real, Hermione pulled out her wand and said, "Expecto patronum."

A silvery white sheen shot out of the end of the wand and took the shape of an otter, which ran around the room on thin air for a bit, then disappeared. Hermione looked smug as she said, "Believe me now?"

Jenny nodded, eyebrows raised. "I must admit that I do. Not bad, Granger."

Hermione grinned at her. "Thanks." Sarcastic and trolling as she was, she had to admit that Jenny as rather likable if you ignored that she helped create _My Immortal_.

"So, our character showed up at Hogwarts?" she said, sounding interested. "How'd that happen?"

"We're not really sure," said Harry. "One day everything was normal and the next day everything… wasn't."

"She just showed up out of freakin' nowhere," Ron agreed.

"No one was really sure where she came from," Hermione continued, "but according to a book I read, every time a Mary Sue dies, a new one is born in its place."

"OMG, SHUT THE FUCK UP, HATER!" Tara screamed, her face turning red. Everyone more or less ignored her, but Draco sloooooowly scooted away.

"So I suppose that a Sue somewhere else in our universe must've been destroyed, causing Elony to materialize in our school," Hermione finished.

Ginny, as usual, took her the blunt (read: rude) approach.

"Now get her out."

"No! Oh, my God, no!" Tara snapped, not raping the CapsLock button for once in her life. "I can't erase Ebony! Not now! Not after all the work I've done, trying so hard to make her a good character—she needs to be preserved. She is _perfect_."

"That's half of the problem right there," Ginny commented to the others, gesturing at the author gone mad… madder. Whatever.

"Welcome to my _life_," Jenny said, rolling her eyes. "But Tara's right. We can't erase Ebony—it would cost us our fame."

"More like infamy," Draco muttered.

"They don't realize—every bad review we get, every flame, every time someone edits the TV Tropes page for the story, every time they send a link to their friends so they can see how bad it is…" Jenny grinned evilly. "We're only getting stronger and stronger by the day."

"Please," Hermione begged. "Ebony's making life a living Hell for everyone!"

"That's your problem, not ours," she said with a shrug.

"Do you even _have_ a conscience!"

Tara added, "Besides, I'm going to update the fanfiction later tonight."

"Oh… Oh no," Luna moaned. "Tara, you can't!"

"You have no idea what we can and can't do," Tara said in a surprisingly controlled voice. "My amazing fanfiction has granted me powers beyond your wildest imagination."

Now, the prospect of a bad fanfic granting an idiot like this amazing powers is quite fascinating, but one has to wonder what damage could be done if My Immortal were to be—

Hey. Hey, who are you? Get out of my office! Wait… is that a baseball bat?

_*clonk*_

_LIKE, OMG, WASN'T THAT NARRATOR SOOOOOO ANNOYING? WELL, NOT TO FEAR, ! THIS FANFICTION IS NOW NARRATED BY, LIVE AND IN PERSON, TARA GILESBE!_

What the-? Hey, get out of my spinny-narrator-chair!

_FACE IT, KID. YOU'RE NOT THE NARRATOR ANYMORE._

…Not to fear faithful readers. This… this will be fixed.

_FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS. UPDATING MY IMMORTAL._

…ohdearlordsomeonehelpme…

**A/N: Well, that just came the hell out of nowhere, didn't it? I have no idea why, but the idea of Tara taking over just popped into my head and I thought it might be funny, sooo… here we are.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	14. Interlude: the Madness of Tara Gilesbe

_Okay, so then, that ugly brown haired chick said, "You can't update My Immortal! If you make Ebony stronger, you could destroy our entire universe—she can bend reality to her will __**and**__ she's a lunatic, not a good combination!"_

_And I was all, "God, Hermione, you're such a fucking bitch. If two bitches fucked and had another bitch, that bitch would be less of a bitch than you."_

_And then her ginger boyfriend punched me, so I punched him back and broke his nose and kicked him in the balls and—_

Okay, okay, hold it, missy! You didn't punch Ron back. You cried for fifteen minutes nonstop while Jenny, Draco, Ron, Harry, Hermione, Ginny, and Luna all ignored you. Just like I would love to be doing right about now. And for the one millionth, five hundredth, sixty seventh time: GET OUT OF MY SPINNY NARRATOR CHAIR!

_God, you're such a terrible narrator. So after I finished clobbering Ron—_

Read: "After I finished sobbing uncontrollably over nothing."

_-I printed out the next chapter of My Immortal and gave it to them to read. It was, like, total and complete and genius, you guys! Stephenie Meyer would be proud. In fact, I like it so much, I've decided to let you mortal scum see it, too. Embrace this privilege, because I may never extend it again. _

YOU DON'T WANT TO READ THIS FANFICTION. CLICK ON SOMETHING ELSE. SAVE YOURSELF! RUN! HIDE! WATCH PORN! MAKE A SANDWICH! SMOKE WEED! ANYTHING! ANYTHING BUT READ THIS!

_ Voldymorte withrefd in angony 4 a few minutz, then dropped ded. Draco cheered all gothically and diepressed (geddit) and sensitive and eilly and he and Vampyr threw der arems round me in praze. even wile killin da Dork Lard and savin da world I lookred hhen—a dark purpl leatha corset with a mini skirt that was light back and had "I Luv MCR" written on the butt kinda like my Simpl Plain skirt ony betta cuz it's My Chem Romacye, duh. _

PLEASE! THERE IS STILL TIME! RUN! RUN FOR THE HILLS! GO READ ANOTHER BAD FANFIC! WRITE ONE FOR ALL I CARE! BROWSE DEVIANTART! ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU JUST DON'T READ THIS FANFICTION. IT IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH! JUST TRUST ME ON THIS, OKAY?

_Drake lookd at me with his snesativ yello eyes (he changb hiz colur contactz from deep goffik read to a pale yellow lyke the eyz of a basilisk witch I'm immunte to si ive seen it eyez and survesd) and sayed, "U okay Enobie?"_

PLEASE RUN, OH JESUS MOTHERFUCKING CHRIST, RUN! IT'S NOT TOO LATE FOR YOUR SANITY! RUN! HELP! And Tara, I swear to fucking God, if you don't get out of my spinny narrator chair, some seriously bad shit is about to go down.

_"Yah of courz, why wouldn't eye b?"_

BECAUSE YOU JUST KILLED FUCKING VOLDEMORT YOU WHORE! SHOW SOME SHELL SHOCK! SOME SURPRISE! SOME RELIEF TO BE ALIVE!

_he puiled me in all close like and kizzed me. R tongues started frenching wit eech othur and—_

THINGS ONLY GO DOWNHILL FROM HERE, FOLKS, PLEASE, OH PLEASE, RUN! I MAY HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THIS BECAUSE I WAS KNOCKED OUT WITH A FREAKING BASEBALL BAT AND TIED TO A (**NON NARRATOR SPINNY CHAIR**) CHAIR, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO READ IT! JUST CLICK ON ANOTHER WINDOW!

_ -he started to ndou da corset which had orange ribbony corset stuffz on it that read, "Teenagers scare the livin shit out of me they could care less as long as someone'll bleed," as he started to kiz my neck._

_ "Oh, Druco, oh!" I moaned, even though Vampire and Voldy's ded bodie wer stillz there, watchin us. _

_ "fuk me ebony," he begged, feeling ip my tits and takin off ma lacy black bra._

IT ONLY GETS WORSE FROM HERE, FOLKS. PLEASE. RUN. I AM BEGGING YOU, PLEASE, THINK OF YOUR MIND, THINK OF ALL THE DAMAGE READING THIS COULD DO. Tara, do _not_ make me bring in reinforcements! I got reviews, too, you know! GOOD ones, too!

_he pulled down his ripped black capris with a lot f angly silver belts with Marilyn Manson on em and his you know what was reeely hard and beg and stuff and I pinned him against the dead boody and we started to fuck all ver the forbidden forced floor._

See. Told you it would get worse. Now if only I could reach my cell phone and call for some help…

Oh, GOD, there's more story.

_Vampir leaned down and lye on Sako's back and poot his throbbing gthingie in my butthole. "ahhhhhh!" I screemed . (A/N: don't worry, elony's not a slutt or nythng—she was just so happy to defeet voldymore dat she agree to a 3some.) _

I can feel my IQ dropping while I read this. Is anyone else feeling it, or is it just me?

_vampore beghan to thrust hrder as we al did it when I began to get all hawt and stuff. I was begin to get an orgazm when I saw Britteny and all those other fucking preps watchin us, jarkin ff to eet._

Sooo… Tara couldn't decide whether to use "jerking off" or "jacking off?" Why didn't she just say "whacking off" or, you know, "masturbating," or, in her case, "masticating."

You… you know what. Fuck it.

Fuck being tied up.

Fuck letting Gilesbe take over.

I AM THE GODDAMN NARRATOR.

**I can do whatever the fuck I want.**


	15. Chapter 13

**A/N: Gah! I'm sorry, guys! My schedule is slipping, isn't it? But I'm back and (hopefully) better than ever! And as if the poor fourth wall wasn't already being broken, in this chapter, it is demolished with a wrecking ball.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**

Harry choked on his own spit as he read the new chapter of _My Immortal_. The spelling was bad, the pacing was awful, the grammar was heinous, and some of the things he and Draco did to Ebony in the sex scene were just plain _wrong_. He looked up to beg Tara not to post it when he heard Jenny say, "Hey… where did Tara go?"

Suddenly, a puff of smoke appeared and there was Tara again, wild-eyed and frantic. She grabbed her friend. "Quick! Jenny! Before she figures out how to follow me back!"

"What's going on, Tara?" Jenny asked, frowning.

"She—she managed to—she's gonna kill me!"

"_Who's_ going to kill you?" Luna said, looking confused.

Suddenly, there was another puff of smoke, and there stood a girl who was a stranger to everyone but Tara. A girl of age 14, with messy brown hair and ropes around her legs. She glanced around the room, took one look at Tara and snarled, "_Gilesbe_."

This girl was Cookie VanDeKamp. That's right. Little ol' me broke out of my office and followed Tara back. I'll just use third-person for easiness. Call me lazy if you must.

"How did you get out of those ropes, anyway?" Tara asked, backing away. "One second you're tied up, one second you're not."

"Remember that pack of Nerds and that hamster that was in my office?"

"Yeah. What does that have to do with anything?"

"If I told you, you'd be creeped out."

Ginny summed up how everyone was feeling in one word:

"What."

Really, that was all you _can_ say in a situation as bizarre as this.

"So, do you two… know each other?" Ron asked.

Cookie glared at the inferior fanfiction writer with her beautiful blue eyes. "Unfortunately. This idiot took over my Narrator Office and tied me up. When she saw I was getting free, she got the hell out of there, so I followed her."

"Why would you tie her up?" Jenny said to Tara in a very motherly tone.

Tara shrugged. "She was insulting _My Immortal_."

"If that was your only reason for tying someone up, we'd have tied up the whole world by now."

Cookie, a gorgeous, clever, agile girl with a lovely personality, continued to the wizards and witches in the room, "What do you say? How about we crush the soul of Tara Gilesbe?"

"How about we just crush _her_?" Draco suggested. "Then her soul wouldn't be much of an issue."

"Good idea."

Draco and Ron lunged at Tara, and were getting started on what promised to be a good fight until Hermione yanked them off of her.

"Can we please do this in a civil manner?" Hermione asked, ever the voice for reason.

"I don't think you _can_ crush someone in a civil manner," said Harry.

"How about we do this like a proper wizard's duel?" Cookie suggested, flipping her lovely brownish-red locks over her shoulder, making every heart in the room—

"All right, all right, enough with the descriptions!" Ron shouted at the narrator. "You're worse than Tara!"

"Agreed," said Jenny, nodding. "We'll try and destroy each other like respectable people."

"Where?" asked Ginny. "I don't think there's enough room in here."

"There's an old warehouse downtown," Jenny offered. "No one goes there anymore."

"I think I saw it," said Harry. "Was it the one that had 'I Heart San Diego' spray painted on it?"

Tara nodded. "That would be the one."

"Perfect," said Hermione. She grabbed Luna and Ron's hands and told everyone else to do the same. Thinking of the warehouse she'd seen earlier that day, she and everyone else disappeared with a pop, but not before the witches and wizards could grab their wands, and Tara could grab her laptop.

* * *

><p>They landed in the middle of the warehouse and, just as Tara and Jenny had said, it was abandoned. Pieces of the woods floor were coming loose. Rats scurried through it. Suspicious mold was growing in the corner. It was sort of disgusting, but it would work for their purpose.<p>

As everyone was looking around Tara hid her laptop somewhere. No one was going to get it if she had anything to say about it.

"Let's do this thing!" Jenny yelled, grabbing a plank to use as a weapon.

The Epic Battle of Epicness of 2011 had begun.

Tara, mindless as she was, was skilled at karate, and the first thing she did in the Epic Battle of Epicness of 2011 was kick Ginny in the jaw. Ginny scratched her back, momentarily forgetting about the whole 'being a witch who also has a wand' thing.

Cookie, Ron, and Hermione were working on knocking Jenny out. Luna, Harry, and Draco were meanwhile trying to get to Tara's laptop so they could delete the fic and destroy Enoby once and for all.

"I—wish that I—could do—magic," Cookie grunted, trying to punch Jenny and pin her down.

"Me—too," Jenny rasped as she dodged a spell flying at her. She made a grab for Ron's wand and held it up. "Back away."

"Um, you really don't want to do that," Hermione warned. "Muggles aren't meant to use magic—it won't work right for you."

Jenny ignored her. It was true that Jenny was a smart girl. She was talented in many respects. She was cunning. But she often overestimated herself—and her abilities.

"_Reducto_!" she yelled, but nothing happened. She shook the wand and smacked it on her hand a bit. "Is this thing on?"

"Told you it wouldn't work," Hermione muttered.

"Ohhh… JUST WORK, YOU STUPID WAND!" Jenny yelled in frustration. Purple light flushed out of the wand's edge. "Hey! It's working! _Yelling at the wand totally works_!"

"_Protego_!" Hermione was quick to shout, sending the spell flying back at Jenny.

The girl was sent sprawling into the opposite wall. The wand flew out of her hand, which Cookie grabbed as it flew through the air and tossed back to Ron. "I think this is yours."

Luna, Draco and Harry were rummaging through old crates and looking under loose planks, trying to find the laptop.

"We have to find it," Luna said frantically as she peeked behind a pile of bricks.

"I know," said Draco. "If we don't get rid of Evony soon, the entire school is gonna be screwed over."

"Where would someone like Tara hide it?" Harry asked, racking his brain for ideas. "The best place to hide something is out in plain sight, so…"

"So look in the most obvious places."

"Right."

Luna gasped and pointed at a loft above their heads. "Look!"

The laptop was in the corner of the loft.

"Quick, someone give me a leg up," said Luna. Draco grabbed her legs and boosted her up to the loft.

Tara, who was still wrestling with Ginny on the ground, saw what they were doing. She smacked Ginny one last time and tried to knock Draco and Luna over. "Don't even think about it!" she snarled.

Everyone else dropped what they were doing, trying to get the laptop. Jenny elbowed Cookie in the gut in an effort to grab it off the shelf.

Ron's hand bumped it, and it fell to the ground. Harry and Tara both lunged for it. Harry punched Tara in the stomach and opened it up.

The others held Tara and Jenny off as he opened the laptop and went into "documents."

* * *

><p>Back at Hogwarts, Willow and Ebony were making the lives of some innocent first years miserable by dunking them in the toilets.<p>

"Gomme ur moni!" Elony demanded.

"I don't have any!" Marcie, a first year Ravenclaw, squeaked.

"Dnck her, Willow," she ordered.

Willow nodded and dunked poor Marcie headfirst into the toilet. Moaning Myrtle watched (clearly amused) from her own cubicle.

Enoby turned to the next first year, another Ravenclaw named Max.

"Cuff eet up," she snapped, holding out her manicured hand—skulls had been painted onto her long, perfect nails.

"But we don't have any money!" Max wailed. His friends, Georgia and Thea, nodded.

Ebony grabbed him by his tie. "Y, u lil…"

Suddenly, there was a flash of red light, and both Mary Sues disappeared—gone forever.

The first years cheered.

* * *

><p>Cookie and the witches and wizards cheered as Harry found the fic and hit <em>delete<em>. Tara was screaming and sobbing in agony. Jenny just looked royally pissed.

"Dude," she said, crossing her arms and glaring, "not cool."

"Because siccing a horrific Mary Sue on us and kind of ruining our lives is cool," Ginny replied, rolling her eyes and making no secret of it.

"Guys," said Hermione, "let's go home."

They all held up their wands, ignoring Tara, who was blubbering and snot-nosed, and shouted, "_Ratispera_!" and disappeared in a heavy wind.

Cookie was alone with the fanfic writers, neither of whom paid her much attention.

"Oh, sure, leave me to _walk_ back to Ohio, that's fine…" she muttered.


	16. Epilogue

The group was hero-worshipped back at Hogwarts as soon as word got out. When Hermione filled everyone in on what happened to Ebony and how they destroyed her, everyone was clapping them on the back and shaking their hands. Luna, Ginny, and Hermione were asked out by several boys, to a tall and handsome Ravenclaw seventh year to an adorable and shy Hufflepuff first year. Harry, Ron, and Draco were immediately declared the coolest guys in Hogwarts.

For about two weeks, everything was perfect.

Then, a horrible thing happened.

One day at breakfast, a new girl showed up at Hogwarts. She had long blonde hair that reached her waist, and startling purple eyes with long, dark eyelashes. Her slender frame was complimented by her blouse, tied up at the ribcage. Her skirt was about two inches shorter than the other girls' skirts. She carried a small pink purse and a phoenix rested on her shoulder.

"Oh… my… God," Ginny breathed.

"Hermione," said Harry, slowly, "didn't that book say something about what happens when a Sue dies?"

Hermione frowned and racked her brain. Her brown eyes widened with horror.

"'Every time a Mary Sue dies, a new one is born in its place,'" she quoted.

"Hi!" said the new girl, walking up to them. "I'm Sapphire Eleanor Rose Suzette de Mont!"

Hermione buried her head under her arms.

"Kill me now."

The End (For now!)

**A/N: The sequel, **_**Sapphire Eleanor Rose Suzette de Mont vs. Canon**_**, will be up soon! Be on the lookout! **__

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


End file.
